- Sometimes you need to hear someone else speak.
Yesterday morning I sighed many times as I engaged in a vulgar version of a prayer session where I asked why I was stuck and going nowhere. I am not stuck, I know. Progression is not something I can control, but my perception is impressionable, so I might as well have been stuck and I needed an answer, some explanation for this thoughtlessness in matters concerning me. Do you know? I asked God, that so and so–I listed real names, does not desire half the things I desire to be and yet, you give them so freely, and for me, you set traps, you quite literally frustrate me like an enemy. You act like the devil himself towards me, like you hate me. You must hate me, I told God, because there is no explanation for this, none I can understand right now, and I sighed. And I said too that I did not care whose stories were being used as examples of his faithfulness, that they were unbelievable, and I would be the only material to be used to test the scriptures. Not another’s life, but mine, and I sighed again.
I don’t know how many people are bold enough to blaspheme and tell the voice that speaks to them when they are feeling wounded and slighted to fokof, but I do and then I cry and get some recklessness spirit as my reward for a while, until God helps me again. My day progressed, and towards the evening, I was cruising on feel good hormones and studies, till I decided to contact a friend just as I was listening to even when it hurts by hillsong. I listened quietly, sang some words and sent a message to this friend, a former secondary school mate, a senior then but a friend for close to seven years now.I asked waddup?
I’d almost forgotten how much this friend loves to talk and tell me about his life, and how easy it was to not have to respond to keep it going. It was relaxing to just know things and think as I was getting to know them, and I realized too that it’s rare for me to have conversations with people who just present me with life lessons on a platter . I have said before that it’s tiring to always be the one teaching people things, and it would be nice to just get lessons and be a student to someone, and that’s what happened. My former senior prefect from secondary school schooled me just by telling me how his life was going, what he was learning, and how God was teaching him to let go of things he could not control, how to make his internal solitude converge properly with his outward life, how to forgive people, how to let God lead you and how to follow blindly, and all this while I’d asked for nothing specific. Something was leading him to talk.I don’t think my friend realized how much I feel that conversation was like an answer to my morning sighs, how speaking about his own life was inspiring, because it was, and I told him it was and thanked him for sharing. I realize then that nothing is random. Not my morning sighs, not the pressure to reach out at that time, even when we don’t speak as often, not his lessons which were brimming and in need of someone else’s eyes and mind. Maybe God does orchestrate after all.
What I was reminded of by him, was my sores can be forgotten. I have a choice to focus on that or remove my mind from them. I can do this. I can have grace and can do this if I want to. He also said it would be very hard, it’s very hard to be a fool and turn the other cheek. It’s hard to let go and just let God lead. He also said that sometimes we don’t understand even with the information. Look at the disciples, they knew Jesus would be killed, he told them many times, yet when it happened, they were perplexed. They had no understanding even when they had information. Same with us, we have been told it will be hard, yet when it is difficult, we ask questions and doubt. We are like those without understanding. I realized again after this that speaking about God with a living friend who is living the Christian reality is something I miss. It’s always more relatable when someone you actually know and have known for a long while can display living like Jesus for you, not someone in America, some vague place living in a blog post, but a real human with struggles you’re familiar with, with a name you can trace. That was my coming down to earth moment. I don’t regret asking God to explain what he’s doing, and I don’t regret asking him if my life would be a good measure of his faithfulness to anyone looking for an example, because sometimes my faith needs to be strengthened. I need to know too that this is not a farce, and I’m not being a stupid believer.