There is a popular saying about needles being your best friend even though it has never been proven for some inexplicable reasons. Having needles go in and out of me like it’s a needle holiday somewhere in Ireland has made me see needles in fresh light . In the light of the cross.
Honestly if someone had stepped forward to say they would take the shots I have been given these days, I would confess that they love me . More so if the person was a stranger who did not know if I was a wonderful or deserving person.
Also, I have learnt something about the betrayal of the human body .The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. The collapse of your vein four times because your heart was beating too fast and your hands had grown cold and your mouth dry exposes you . Do you really believe the words ” Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death , I will not fear” or “He is always with me even unto the ends of the earth” or ” to live is Christ and to die is gain ” or .. and the list goes on.
Again that pointed me to Christ. I now understand that the body of Jesus was 100 percent percent willing to die. Unlike mine, there was no relunctant cell in His body . His body went willingly to the cross to be nailed to it . Every thing in His body cried “I give myself freely to be crucified” Nothing in Him withdrew. He meant His words and the meditations of His heart were not contrary in any way to His actions. He was perfect and that is what needles have helped me see recently .
It is marvellous how God lets you see things in every experience you go through.
So, once upon a time, there was a cat, and even though there was one , she or he is not the subject matter at hand smile emoticon . Once upon a time instead, will therefore have existed a tree.
What kind of tree it was is inconsequential because I said so smile emoticon . What I know though is that the tree loved to sway and look into mirrors a lot. Hard to imagine , but so be it.
So, one day little tree swayed and swayed and danced to the sound of the birds flute. She moved her leaves and branches and there were wonderful swings here and there. She looked left and right and saw another tree. Secretly , little tree longed to be watched.
Swaying and swaying and begining to lose little leaves, she thought the eyes of the others would be turned on her. After much ado over what she thought was something, she got some boldness shots from my imagination and asked the rest what they thought of her.
Hmmm, they said. We are all blind and had no idea you had been swaying and dancing your little trunk out . Little tree felt crushed but learnt a lesson.
She learnt that when dancing, her eyes should be looking at the skies for the rain and the hand who gave the rain and the wind and not to others for validation. She learnt she could dance her heart out and she did not need to do it for others to see.
And that is the end of little tree’s story.
Hello dear, I am struggling between feelings of euphoria and maybe mania(lol) that I can do this on my own and might live life without ever meeting you . That is exciting on its own because it gives me a freedom to live as if you do not exist .Mania comes when I imagine that you do exist and then I get calm once more and feel confused .Spread my wings and fly and pour out my life for the good of humanity or be calm, tame and imagine I will meet you someday ? This is not easy and am thinking if I see you one day , I willl catch you . Okay , maybe that didn’t come out right. 🙂 I think what I mean is, when I catch you , you will see sometin as they say in Nigeria becaus this suspense is disorientating. Lol , I know right. disorientating, pttf. Hopefully I spelt that right. If not , here is a smile 🙂 and that should do for now.
Okay, So what am I blabbering on about . On, about? Do those words fit side by side? or is it side to side? Okay. So. What. Am.I .Blabbering. About?
It is oh , hmmm a big problem . I have so much news to share recently and I have been tempted more than once , okay twice, thrice, a wholee week!! or more and it is not funny anymore. Beginning to have converstations in my head with imaginary not-you’s and I also have to restrain myself like a horse so I don’t end up spilling my soul to a not-you . It is supposed to be an adventure, you know, training the inner man? Self control? self.control? do.you.know.it.at.all? Yes, that. Trying to wait for you and trying to make Him satisfy me . But the moment I close my eyes, my heart does one of these crazy dances and moves . Where is it going to? Come back girl! I have said throughout this week . Relunctantly sometimes because fantasies can be sweet though not right
What am saying dearest one who exists or does not exist is, I have news to tell and I would like to tell you . I don;t know why it is important that you should know. It does nothing to me positively or negatively . But, somehow we are all wired to want to share. To share joys and sadness and all those random stuff we laugh about and forget the next week. But you are not there and I have to look for consolations. Do I read about Ruth or Esther? Ha , a voice that might be crazy for the night. Pray? The flesh feeling literay and all?
All the same. Unanswered questions. Another day and I will still try. I will think of inheritances and rewards and intelligence and sweetness. It’s a struggle , but this night I will set my eyes once more on the things above, while I wait patiently and hopefully for a day when all needs will be met and when I will not be itching to tell you that I have pneumonia and do not really feel like reading about the history of this country for my exams.
Thank you sincerely .ThisGodismysatisfaction.
I have Seen Kings sleep. Seen many snore. Seen rulers naked and vulnerable. Seen them cry and seen them embarrassed. Heard them snort and call themselves fools .I see them , just like I see you . The place in you no one else sees.
Set my eyes into a curve. Let it become like does’ eyes. Concentrate. Stare at one point, let them become a little cross eyed. But I set fire…watch it burn . Laugh, smile just right. Intellectual diva . all vain, all dark. Trying to look just right for the picture that will be photoshopped to make me look deep enough. Deep enough to be a quiet and deep soul. Deep enough to make you think I knew when the world would end. Deep enough to make you think I wasn’t dark. Dark enough to be able to hurt. Dark enough to shamefully …
He’s fine. It’s the bad boys that always catch my eye…because I think am playing with flesh and blood. Because I don’t think there are powers in the air. Can I see them? Ha. I know the powers in the air . I know. I know. But my heart is drawn. Drawn to the wrong things. Liek I said, he is fine. Let me just say something. Let’s just play . It won’t harm. Love your neighbor is what am trying to do. Not.
We both know your heart, Blue. I see you before you utter a word. I know your heart. I made it. I know the beats and the rhythms of life. I made it. That a beat too wrong, thats a thought too twisted. She does him good, and not harm,all the days of her life.I wrote that. All the days of her life. You are to be faithful all the days of your life. That is one mental conversation too much and fantasy too wrong. It’s a snare , but am always there. I make a way always for you to escape. Take it. Take it .
Yes, I know it is hard. I know you have desires and I made them. But I write love stories. I am the author of love. Heaven! I made love. I am love. Wait. Think these thoughts instead :
whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
I know the aches and the wants while in the vessel. But hold on, for I can give you much more. Much more. Don’t let him push your buttons, pull your strings, take your attention. Let go. No teases, no flirting. Let go. You must be Holy for I am Holy.
Oh Dear, if love itself can’t break your heart, how much less me?-Question for a man or woman wooing you but whose heart is not with God
I mourned for Absalom and would not be consoled. So the victory was turned into mourning for everyone that day and the people came to their homes as if they had been shamed in battle. They began to wonder if they had done wrong in saving my life . Joab, faithful and watchful Joab came to me and told me words I knew were true. He said I had made it clear that if all Israel had died in battle and Absalom had lived, I would be happy. I had considered the thought, but I was king so…
I went out and took my seat at the gate and the people came before me . The people were still having different quarrels at this time and even on that day there was strife for there was confusion. Our armies had defeated Absalom’s so the elders were pressed to bring me back and set me as King . I sent a message to Zadok and Abiathar the priests telling them they were my bone and flesh . I even promised Amasa who had been commander of Absalom’s army to be mine instead of Joab. Joab later killed him on a later day . I found out too that Mephibosheth had been lied against by his servant. The man being crippled had been taken advantage of and now he pleaded with me . I knew he was telling the truth because when I offered him the land to share with Ziba his servant, he said Ziba could take all for all he cared as far as it was I, David who had returned safely home…
The benjaminite was not the only worthless fellow who ever cursed me. Sheba was another fellow who tried to get the people to leave me. He blew a trumpet anbd sent the men to their tent but the men of Judah held on to me steadfastly . As for my concubines, I set a guard over them and they leaved as widows till their deaths. This Sheba man got his head killed in the city of Abel. A wise woman had come out to meet Joab as she was fearful for the city’s destruction. Sheba’s head was then cut and thrown out to Joab and that was how it all all ended.
A famine occured for three years ater that and it was revealed that it had been brought on us because of the blood guilt of Saul. He had tried to perform an ethnic cleansing of the Gibeonites. As a means of compensation and a way out of our distress, I promised them anything they wanted. The requested for the heads of Saul’s sons. They wanted them hanged. I allowed it , sparing just Mephibosheth. The famine thus ended.
The philistines fought many times with us but I had a song on my lips. A hymn of praise. He was my rock and my fortress and He was the one who taught my hands to fight. I spoke my last words, I , son of Jesse, the sweet psalmist of Israel spoke of how the spirit of God was upon my tongue and how He had caused my house to stand .
One lesson I had learnt was never to trust in man and to not be proud. The day I counted Israel even when Joab adviced me not to , I knew that pride was evil. God gave me three options that day: three years of famine, to flee three years or three years of pestilence. None of them sounded good but I knew it was better to fall into the hand of God than the hand of man and I agreed to three days of pestilence . After that I built and altar for the Lord and burnt offerings there to Him . The Lord heeded our supplications and averted the plague.
So the day of the battle was set . An old man about to fight my son . I set Joab, his brother and Ittai as commanders. Joab was very loyal and I trusted him . I set out too but the men stopped me . I was worth ten thousand men, they said and so it was better for me to send help from the city instead. I agreed. They fought hard in the forest with so many oak trees . Many more died as they fled into the forest than from the sword .Heads got stuck in between heaven and earth and it was easy to slay. I had asked the commanders to deal gently with Absalom of they ever caught him. A father’s heart. They would not understand…
Absalom was riding and he chanced to meet my servants. His head had gotten stuck in between an oak and he was left hanging. One of the servants saw it and rushed to tell Joab. Joab could not believe that the man had left Absalom alive. He was one of the men who had my request to treat the boy gently . Joab would hear nothing of it. He thought it was a waste of time and he struck Absalom and killed him . The man had made his point though. If he had struck my son, and I had gotten furious, Joab would not have blicked an eye to save his neck , even though now he said he easily would have offered ten pieces of silver and a girdle. Not obeying the king’s and gold, was it worth it? Absalom anyway was killed…
Joab blew the trumpet and threw Absalom into a pit and raised a very big heap of stones. Israel fled to their homes . All that was left of my son was a pillar in King’s valley. He had set it up in his name as if he knew he would not live to have a son…
Back to gain . In war , who doesn;t want the king’s favor? I had seen it countless times and I was to see it again. Ahimaaz was one of those. He wanted to run to tell me the suposedly good news, but Joab would nto let him . He told him it was a day of mourning. He sent the Cushite instead . The Cushite ran to me. Ahimaaz too, for he wanted my favor . He outran the cushite to bring me the news saying “come what may “.
I was sitting between two gates when i saw the Cushite first . My watchman said told me a man had been spotted running and I said it must be tidings. Later he saw Ahimaaz and I supposed it to be good tidings since he had outran the Cushite.Ahimaaz did not have the complete story so I told him to stand aside. In his zeal he could not tell me if Absalom was well or not.The Cushite did. Absalom, my son was dead, he said . I wept
When he conspired against me, I went barefoot on the mount of Olives. I wept .Even Ahithopel left me. He would rather counsel my son against me. Who could I trust now? So I asked God that if at all he should counsel Absalom, let his words become foolish. I was weary. Along the way, Ziba came to me . He told me Mephibosheth whom I had given a seat at my table seeing I had promised dear Jonathan , he too had betrayed me or so I was told . Ziba brought some asses to ride on and some fruits and wine . He asked me to show him favor. In war, is there one who doesn’t think of the gain he might get from being of help?
I met a man who cursed, a Benjaminite. He looked wild too. Called me a worthless fellow and a man of blood. Abisai wanted to take his head off for my sake, but why do that if a man is merely stating a fact ? If my son was seeking my life, could this man’s wrath be any greater ? I let him be . Maybe, good could come out of this if i let him curse me. He threw some stones at me. I was weary…I let him go…
Lest I forget, I sent Hushai, my father’s servant who had pledged allegance to me . I sent him to Absalom. I told him to serve my son instead. In times to come, God would use him to confuse my son when he sought for counsel. Ahithopel was respected , but Hushai was a good instrument too.
One day, Absalom was in search of what to do . He asked for counsel and got it. He also got a tent and my concubines . In the face of Israel, Absalom did an odious thing and went into my concubines.Another time , he asked how he should go about pursuing me . Ahithopel told him I was weak and my people were paniking. He just needed to go after me and the people would return to him as a bride to her groom. It sounded good and it was true. I was weary…
Somehow, Hushai was called for this time and asked for his opinion. When i think about this I wonder too how when wisdom and craftiness is applied, a man who isn’t loyal appears to me the one whose zeal exceeds another. This is what happened . Hushai told Absalom that I was a man of war, and that I probably was hidden in a pit or some other place ready for battle. It sounded believeable. Everyone knew of how I would craftily get into the cave Saul was and still come out alive. So , Absalom was adviced to gather from dan to Beersheba all his troops for war and slay me and everyone else. This cousel seemed good and he took it .
Ahithopel feeling disrespected or shamed, I really cannot tell went to his house, set his house in order and hanged himself…a sad end it was
So I walked out on Him again. Banging the door, yet seeing His appearance infront of me. I tried to shove Him aside, but He wouldn’t budge, so I walked past Him and out of Him just as I had done countless times . Just like I was doing once again saying it was the last time He was going to see my face. He could count on that , I threatened . Then, I took a handful of breaths from His hand and went my way . He could kill me for all I care, but no, again I saw Him push through and surround me with the breath of life. Fine . I would breathe, but do not try to come any closer. I do not want You .
Breakfast in bed was what I got the next morning. He made every crumb of bread I ate, it smelt good too, the cup of coffee. He never told me the secret to how He made it have that scent. “One day, love “, was al I ever got . I would know one day . I sighed . I took my purse. There was money in it. He had put it there. I was richer than many people living on earth . Look at me, I was not starving, I was looking good, I had a job and I had slept well last night. sigh…
I went to the mirror. I had a note by side. I had jotted it down , a little portion from His frequent love notes to me. I covered it with my hand. The eyes He gave me will not look at it. Not today . My heart had gobbled up a stone and my way was fixed, I thought.I could feel the scales come over me gradually .
I looked into the mirror and I began to blur out . What He said about me was beginning to blur out , dispersed by the wind of doubt and fear, the new bottles of perfume I had bought, or rather being forcefully given . Because you see, when my husband leaves , some people try to take advantage of me.
Lonely wife, what will you do without your husband? They say in my head . He failed you now , didn’t He? And they laugh . Am stuck in the middle. Breathing His air , feeling His presence , but pushing Him aside. Not with His betrayers either but becoming oppressed and attacked by them . I have become their play thing, a puppet.
I can see His eyes lookign at me with hurt in them. The wounds on his hands opening up once more . I remember our special day , the day He laid down His life for me and said take me, eat me, drink me, I am all yours. Don’t deny me, my love . Love me with all your heart . I had said yes . But today I had betrayed Him. One more time .
Can you even see me ? But I love you . But I care for you and nothing in this world will change that . Come to me , He said . And just like other times. Many times more than seven, I came back and I said hold me so I never leave. Hold me , so I don’t run after someone else. Hold me for I am wicked and I cannot trust myself with my promises. Hold me, Lord