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‘Goodbye and good riddance’ . That’s what she said two years ago. I felt like I had watched this scene before, only this time it was not happening in a film but in my house. Good riddance, with a snap of the finger. Good riddance and bye bad air, because you suffocate me, husband. As I look back, I realize that I wasn’t always something that needed to be gotten rid of. I hadn’t always been a bad man or a man given to introspection much. I think this feels like the good thing about goodbye. You get to become a good man after the bad side has been gotten rid of. Funny how you get to do this only when someone shows you the door.

But the years before  we fell out had their own kind of magic. Like necking and laughing over bad breath. Like a warm massage of her feet and a ‘ mmm..baby that feels so good’ as she pulled me closer. Then those things in our conversations began to creep up. So quietly, I’d ask her  ” Who was that man you smiled at the mall?” , and she’d drop her hands and sigh and ask in a low voice ” what man ? “

” You know? The one standing close to the  bags.” I said those words, as ridiculous as they sounded. ” the sales man?” , she’d say and then repeat because it didn’t deserve the status of a question ” The salesman Raheem. I was smiling at the salesman” , she’d say as she bit her lip with a puzzled expression on her face.

I was with her all day long , so naturally I would know for sure that it was the salesman , but my hands would go hard on her toes and I’d press them till she screamed. ” you’re hurting me! What’s gotten into you?”

” Sorry, I just…I dunno..” and I would walk out with the towel to take a shower leaving her to wonder. But it happened again, and again. I was relentless and then it became violent.

” You’re cheating on me, you slut !” , I’d scream in a moment of rage. Then I hit her the first time. She’d waved too vigorously and given a friendly wink to a co- worker that day when I had come to pick her up from work. ” You’re not leaving this house again, you hear me? ” , I said as I gagged her. She stayed. The bruises healed. 

We talked about it naturally of course. We found a way to explain it all. I must have done it because my father did it. I promised it would never happen again. She loved me and she knew that I was a sweet, dear man, just a little bit jealous. A little bit. Who wouldn’t be with such a beautiful and smart woman who was earning more than he did , with a respectable family to back it up. Such a charming man. No, his wife must be in heaven.

If being unconscious was anything close to heaven, then she was in heaven more than a couple of times. But she came back. Each time less believing of the reasons we had given ourselves.

” You’re very insecure! What have I done to make you feel jealous?!! A real man does not beat his wife because other men find her attractive! I married you because…” , and her voice will trail off swallowed by a convulsive shaking of her body as she  sobbed. She married me because it was me and not them who had won her heart. Would I be reasonable enough to understand that? She stayed

I can’t really explain it. I still don’t. But you can only feel remorse for so long and after making your pregnant wife miscarry, it only gets worse.

“Are you sure Bola of what you are saying? ” , her mother asked the day I had come to beg her to come back home. We had kept up appearances for too long and out private issues never got to reach her parents who lived in another city.

” Mother , he is a lunatic. He tried to stick a rod in my mouth” . It was hard to believe with my tears streaming down my face. The charming husband. I could imagine her mother going pale with shock underneath her chocolate toned skin.

Would I prefer jail to signing divorce papers quietly? They were trying to avoid a scandal for their well known family. Keeping up appearances more than dealing with a dangerously jealous man on the loose. I got off easily. We got divorced .

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Good God,Evil God

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Yesterday, I was given this picture by a friend who thought it might be interesting and I put it up on facebook. The response was great! I seemed to have played the devil’s advocate well. In response, I got this as a reply from a facebook friend:

Let me begin with this verse:
12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him. 13 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for GOD CANNOT BE TEMPTED WITH EVIL, NEITHER TEMPTETH HE ANY MAN: 14 But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: AND SIN, WHEN IT IS FINISHED, BRINGETH FORTH DEATH.
15 Do not err, my beloved brethren. 16 EVERY GOOD GIFT AND EVERY PERFECT GIFT IS FROM ABOVE, and cometh down from the FATHER OF LIGHTS, with whom is NO VARIABLENESS, NEITHER SHADOW OF TURNING.
– James 1:12-16

Verse 13 firmly establishes that God never uses evil as a tool for chastisement, for he is not evil. Verse 14 states that sin is the progenitor of death, and I believe we can agree that every sin is evil. For the avoidance of doubt, James reinstates the goodness of God, urging brethren not to err and that there is no deceitfulness with God in verses 15 and 16.
God does not repay evil for evil. The actions of men is the cause of whatever evil they encounter in their lives. It’s a basic principle all encompassing (Galatians 6:7).

I think sometimes we override the figurative elements of scriptures. I mean Christ is quoted as saying: “And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.” (Mathew 5:28). The Old Testament narrative is heavily hinged on that inference. “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth…” deductively, the universal creator of all things that be is God—that includes good and evil. But we know that God has never really been in charge the world from creation. He created the World, and immediately sublet that authority to man (Genesis 1:26-28). Man in turn lost that authority to the devil after the fall. How do we know this? From Christ temptation in the wilderness (Mathew 4:8-10), Satan offered the whole earth to Jesus, because he had it in his authority to do so. Now some may argue Satan was lying and that the Kingdoms of the world were not his to give. But if that were so, that means it was never really a temptation, and Christ indeed was not tempted at the offer, making him a fraud. But Apostle Paul makes it clear that Satan is the god of this world (2 Corinthians 4:4). But thank God believers are not of this world anymore (Col 1:13).

Gravity in the Newtonian physics illustration, dictates that the lager mass will always have the greatest pull than the lighter mass. By implication, without sustainable violation of gravity, if a man jumps from a ten-storey building, without cushion, he’s most likely to die. Now God put the law of gravity into operation, and one can chose to say God killed that man. But in truth, God never did any killing, the man simply violated a fundamental principle of physics invalidly, and reaped the consequences; in a manner of speaking, that man created his own death (evil). He didn’t call on God to save him, and therefore died. Therefore we can say God allowed it (permissively) to happen.

We need to understand God’s “creation” of evil in a permissive sense and the freewill of man to violate good principles and pervert them for the bad. Take for instance the case of Job, what befell him was evil. Evil from where, from God? No, evil from the devil. God gave Satan the PERMISSION to strike (Job 1:12, the entire book of Job is a brilliant poetry that I believe answers a lot of questions about good and evil.) Satan did the DOING of evil, and God did the allowing. God was not going to have David’s wives raped, MEN were to do the raping.

You may say that that does not exonerate God. This quote is attributed to Einstein (don’t know if he ever said is though): “God did not create evil. Just as darkness is the absence of light, evil is the absence of God.” It’s just like cold is not a physical quantity. Cold is simply the absence of quantifiable heat. Similar to the famous book of Isaiah 45:7 “I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things.” When we step out of light God has given us, we step into the darkness. But in truth God did not bring the evil upon us, evil is a creation of the violation of good. Evil is not quantifiable, it is the absence of good.

Finally: “I AM GOD, AND THERE IS NONE ELSE” (Isaiah 45:23). I think it is very silly and heretical to compare our moral stands for fairness and judgement with that of God. If we think we are wise enough to know what evil or justice is, we ought to be wise enough to recognize who created that wisdom by which we use to validate justice and fairness—God! There is absolutely no reasons why God’s actions should conform to the logic of men HE CREATED! So what if it doesn’t make sense to us? Are we God? Do we know all things as he does? Its human pride to want to “judge” God. I urge you to read Romans 9:6-21. If God says he is good, but in his actions he SEEMS to us evil, it doesn’t make him evil or unjust, he is STILL good.  Maybe it doesn’t seat well with human reasoning, but who says it has to.

Where is the wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the disputer of this world? Hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world? For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe…. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men…. God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: That no flesh should glory in his presence.
– 1 Corinthians 1:20 – 28
No matter how we see it:
The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever:
THE JUDGMENTS OF THE LORD ARE TRUE AND RIGHTEOUS ALTOGETHER.
– Psalm 19:9

Leibster’s award!

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I was dreading this moment but I was nominated by my friend and sister with a beautiful mind. My very own Titi! 🙂  who runs the geelayo empire. I thought it was fun after reading her answers! Check out her blog https://geelayo.wordpress.com/2016/06/27/the-liebster-award/

What’s the one thing that you love about yourself?
Myself! The one thing I love about myself is myself 🙂 . Recently or maybe not so recently( maybe it has always been this way, but I like to say recently anyways) , I like the fact that I am balanced. I can easily see two sides of a situation and I am open to hearing out different sides of an argument even when my view will remain unaffected. I gave myself a pat on the back yesterday when I was feeling down and a little bit like an underachiever, that at least I have got this going for me. I am an awesome, balanced and tolerant person! Yayyy!!!

2. What was your first blog post?

My first blog post was Iron the creases of my desires.  https://thisoathoflove.wordpress.com/2014/08/04/iron-the-creases-of-my-desires/?preview=true I feel it is still very relevant and a daily struggle to have our desires in line with scripture. I wrote it when I felt isolated and needed an outlet for my thoughts. Starting a blog should be one of my proudest investments in this writing business. I am glad for all the loneliness that pushed me to it.

3. What would you say to potential blog starters?
Start! Just simply start blogging. You never know where this will take you to , so spread your wings and fly and watch yourself grow with each blog post. Surround yourself with fellow bloggers and actively contribute. There’s no fun in being a dormant and isolated owner of a blog.

4. List 3-5 of your most favourite songs.

This list changes everyday but I am currently listening to Astrid S- 2AM, Jessie Ware- Wildest moment and Astrid S again- hurts so good.

5. When you have a writer’s block, what do you do to work it out?

I get annoyed and look for something to rant about on facebook lol. I read a book mostly and watch funny things. Sometimes watch a documentary to get me sober about life. Listen to rap. The lyrics in rap or music in general have a way of stirring up my mind .

6. What is your favourite dish?
Atama!! Soup of the AkwaIbom people in Nigeria .Das what am talking ‘ bout mehn! 🙂

7. What do you love about writing?

The escapism. I escape when I write. I create like God. I learn, teach myself, teach others and grow as a person when I write. Also, I’ve made cool friends because I write. How’s that for returns of investment? Nice, I know.

8. What movies would you not mind watching again?
None 🙂 . I don’t watch movies like that. I could rewatch comedy however. Father Ted, the Irish one has been suffering from rewatches these days.

9. What animal would you keep as a pet?
Cats!!!! Everyone knows I am the cat lady. Cats are the ultimate pets. The cream of the crop. Halleluyah?

10. What do you think of robots?
I think that robots are great. That’s the future. I have a nickname. Elizabeth. ‘ Tay’. You know? The bot? Yep, so I am 100 percent in this robot business.

I will be breaking the Leibster’ s rule by leaving the nominations open. Anyone who wants to answer can answer the questions I have been asked or choose questions of their choice and tag me to it. 🙂

On Geminians.Father’s day

I can almost swear that I have written so many posts in my head on what it is to be a Gemini. I just never got around  to  typing , first of all because of the conflicting thoughts in my mind on how right it is to draw attention to horoscopes . How right was God in using three wise men to bring gifts to His son ? Who is John Gault? Why is life so confusing and things so ironic ? I don’t know , but I recently celebrated my 22nd birthday and June babies are Geminis’ and even though I do not check daily to see what is going to happen to me , mostly because I don’t believe it is wise to see the future and secondly because I am mostly at home these days until I get a job , I don’t see how any predictions will be of use till then .

So far, the two most glaring characteristics of geminians are our aversion to boredom and our two in one combination . We are hot and cold, flighty and down to earth . What are we ? Fly away Peter..come back Paul ? Geminians are said to be the most interesting sign there is and if we had a mental illness , it would be bi-polar . We are said to be writerly inclined , communicators and very versatile people . We fit with any group of persons, very brilliant , witty and we have major mood swings where people just sit and say ” we kennot comprehen egen ” epp ?

Okay, all that is definitely true about me . I want to focus on boredom and I forgot to mention , Gemini women are said to be flirts . Massive flirts . We are said to be the ones who give men the biggest heart breaks, we keep many people hanging because we want to know who is worth pursuing or in a feminine way , who is worth letting to pursue , are extremely loyal when in love but can forget a man after a break up and move on like nothing happened . I think this means we are like the female version of a womanizer in a way . Again , all these is true for me in a way  or maybe I should biting my words and say it is so true that I am afraid and decided to write it as a blog post because I want to figure out why .

Someone once said that I am the type of person to say goodbye at the airport and not turn around and I laughed at how much of a cold person that picture depicted me as and said yep, you got that right . lol . So true . I am like that . There was a time I decided to say I was suffering from anhedonia , you know, the loss of ability to feel anything . There have been times in my life when I have felt nothing. like absolutely nothing, no joy, no pain , no sadness . dead. I have shocked people because I can be lively and fun and sweet and innocent and say serious things that people don’t take seriously like “do not ask me a thousand times in a day how I am and what I have eaten because it pushes me away ” (like there is a switch in my head that makes me rage when i get asked this so please don’t press the thing)and people thought it was silly and why exactly would I be serious about such  , and in reality I was serious about it . dead serious . I lost interest in talking and when I lose interest , I cannot bring it back . Anhedonia. Mental fog .

I enjoy my company a lot. I like being around interesting people but I know when my batteries are running down and I need to recharge . I detach myself and can do this for days without guilt . I am rarely bored alone . As an only child I have had enough time in 22 years to perfect the art of keeping myself company enough that I rarely need people around so when I am with people , it is fast paced or I say my byes and leave because I would rather sleep or read a book . A Gemini woman is said to test the intellect of any male she is with . I feel it is like someone holding a stick to see if the snake is really dead or can strike neatlyand a mask as she does it just in case it stinks and is really dead . i do this a lot . I need a man to keep up with me intellectually and I guess I should keep up with him if he is smart . I have outgrown people in a short time and I have no regrets for ceasing communication much with these people . I pray and wish them well but time is precious and time is mine in a way . Given to God but mine and I will not be made to feel guilty about how and with whom I decide to spend it with . We should be allowed to grow, move forward or backwards as we please with no guilt string attached .

I like it when people take an interest in what I do not just the food I eat or how the heck my night was . It was good!!! It will forever be good and if it wasn’t I promise I will tell you , so let it slide ! and let’s talk about something interesting . Okay , so the opposite is when people begin to take me for granted. Like once caught , always caught . she will be here forever , so let me yawn and lose interest in her work , her thoughts , her activities . I used to have a best friend aka boyfriend whom I would bug for days to do this, read this , check this out and I lost interest after a while in making someone do things that there had no interest in doing . People grow apart when this happens . I have learnt that the real things come naturally and stopped caring much when people get slack . Work should be shared equally and especially in a relationship with one who doesn’t mind being on her own , you might wanna put in a little more effort.

I am not a flirt , at least I think I am not . I like male company . It is the only company I have basically lol so I guess I have no choice in the matter , I like talking to boys , men , anything in trousers that is male . Am I explicit enough ? 🙂 I feel more secure maybe because I am used to this type of company , I don’t worry about being brash or too open because I think there is a certain allowance made by males for females . First , females are different humans so the thought might be ” we don’t fully understand this girl ” and it might be because she is a female ( lol , the sneaky way of living life ). But it is what it is. I like male company  and I know I canbe flighty and forgetful of friends for long periods. It is something I am working on .

Father’s day came and went. Mother’s day came and went . these two days are hard days for me . One, I have no mother to celebrate because she is dead and as much as society says I should do with the remaining females in the family or older females anywhere, it is not the same . No one will take her place . father’s day is painful for me because it has lost its meaning for me . Don’t want to go into details but I love my dad even though I would rather not call him . I have too many emotions still tied up with the word father and as my dad is aging , my heart aches to have to watch this process . It is an avoidance not based on hate but on this lack of strength in me to watch all these . Happy father’s day to my dad .

So, my birthday came and left . All my plans to not give a thought about it were brought to nought because I have wonderful friends who decided to celebrate me days earlier and make me see it as an important day . God bless them . This means that I will be remembering my 22nd birthday well even though I did not celebrate it with cakes or anything . I did not reflect seriously either. If you reflect daily , I guess one day does not make too much of a difference . One thing I have decided however is to be focused on friendships more than on connections . Depth more than quantity . Also, to be myself more and more and not it into molds and stereotypes . Like you know , adopt the put sand in their garri mode 🙂 ? Of course I mean no harm .

Shalom !

On Porn and Sex

Maybe this is the part where I get to steal a handkerchief and wipe off the sweat I feel should be sliding indiscriminately off my face at the moment, because erhh* , what eggzackly did i mean by reading this ( God of small things . I know I will keep referencing this book for a while(referencing doesn’t sound correct , neither does a bracket in a bracket look too good ) but erm , this is how we are going to roll for a while .

Back to the beginning . Why am I writing this? Well, because I was given a book to read . A book written by Asa Akira; an American pornographic actress and adult film director. I definitely do not advice moving further in the google search . You can read Wikipedia for more but hey! don’t go to videos (I did not send biko!) . The title of the book is “Insatiable Porn-a love story . Why did I read this ? Truth be told, before I was given , I had been planning to write about sex for two weeks , My feelings about sex , my desires to have sex (em yes, you can goan die on this one if you like) and  here was a book that said female unstrained sex! Okay, you get it now . I grabbed it and hoped to God I did not make the wrong decision , because truthfully pornography turns people on brethren. Reading erotic work has the potential to turn you on . Did this happen to me ? There is a saying that you cannot stop a bird from perching , but you can stop it from forming a nest ( I did not google to confirm this because I don’t realy want to and I feel it is right anyway  🙂 ) and I thought about it , if an Asa Akira ever approached me , only this time not to tell me with glee about her joy as a sex worker, but more to confess her burden for being one , then I hope to be able to listen to her no matter how graphic and advice her . That happens to be my reason , whether or not it was a wise one, the deed is done and the book has been read and we cannot unread it . What I want to focus now on is my response to this book and that should include a response to Asa or an indirect one to a sex worker or anyone with unbridled passion .

I’ll start first with what I liked about this book and Asa. She is an unapologetic porn maker. She loves porn and she would fight to do this for the rest of her life if she could . She isn’t afraid of society’s judgements, definitely not her parents , totally given up to her physical  desires with no regret . As a Christian , I should see this as a failure , but I have chosen to see the unapologetic’ness’ as a neutral thing and the love for a cause too as a goodness on it’s own right , but If I pool them together with pornography , yes, then Asa to me is on a terribly wrong path . The problem here is Asa loves to have sex and the thoughts of people responding( to put it in a mild way ) on their Tv screens, lying to their spouse or girlfriends as they watch her gives her a huge high in her work. She lives for these moments and the attention .

What would make a grown woman who wasn’t in anyway having finacial hardships from a stable home  willingly choose to do porn? I have stuck with demon possession and innate human pervasion is not too far too from the answer.We all have desires in us to do wrong , some are drawn more intensely to other vices like the bottle (indiscriminate consumption here) and yes others can be drawn to sex and become addicted to it . Sex is pleasurable and as Screwtape from C. S Lewis book ” Screwtape’s letters” stated, satan and the demons cannot create a virtue, they only use what God has made to make people fall. Sex was made by God, the over indulgence or under indulgence in legitimate situations can lead to trouble , in other words to be made a vice and a stumbling block in a person’s life .

This book is filled with pages and pages of people going on at each other . There are no intellectual conversations, no jokes are off limits in this world or friends whose common interest is in different kinds of penetration they practice on each other . Sex fetishes with brutal, violent sex is the norm, and warped sexual identities seem normal in this world . To put it mildly in Frank Kelly’s voice from “Father Ted” , everyone is “fecking ” and they are happy about it .

Somewhere in this book , Asa describes the kind of man she likes. She is never attracted to men who are anything but super-masculine. Things like body hair , mismatching clothes, and messy table manners are on the pro-side of the list and she finds girls who look like men . In her sexual relations with a man she pretended to herself was not gay , she enjoyed degrading him and calling him a “faggot” . They enjoyed it and as she says ” Of course, what we were feeling was not love . It was our insecurities playing out in the most f*cked up , counter productive way “. Here, there is no concern about anything but the moment, a dangerous moment in time. No future thoughts, no concerns about the “stayability ” and long term”ness” of having a man who behaves like an immature child(not that immaturity is bad on it’s own , but on a grown man ?) as well as the self -hate .

Human beings are made to worship and to be loved. When we cannot find something appropriate , we will settle for less and worship this thing that we have made . Asa loved it when someone who was seen to be important, a sugar dad kind of figure , would come for her many times even when the rest had been ditched after the first time . I’d say , just like everyone, the need to feel special is what drives her primal instinct. yes, she has confessed to this , but the direstion her impulses have been driven at are wrong . Do I think Asa is human ? yes, she is and should be respected because we all have these desires . It is the misdirection that separates .

Another thing Asa did was or maybe is(I don’t know what she is currently doing) is take drugs. She says she is not addicted but she at some point in her life has felt a need for the “high”. Her need to conceal her job from a hairdresser led her to lie about non existent jobs and a non existent relationship status . I am not saying pornography leads to lying or taking drugs even though Asa says she would find it hard trusting a porn actress much (so go figure), but it seems to me that one vice definitely leads to the other .

I had sympathy for her when she told the story of her sexual molestation by a boy at the airport . After some small talk , he got up to board , but before that he touched her breast and gave it a squeeze . Asa ended up crying and feeling shaken . Maybe, you’d say she deserves it , afterall she does this for a living , but no , none of that is right . How she choses to give out her body should still be within the limits of her control and so yes, boys should be taught how to respect women , all women’s bodies until they have been given consent.

Loneliness. We all feel it at some point . Asa too. I think a major part of her life has got to be loneliness . That is the only way I can explain the last scene of violent sex with her husband. Asa has substituted sexual acts that make her feel good for love . Love is not something that makes you see shooting stars on the beach , it is not cum on your face . It is definitely not a man who makes you lick his toes to his erhh… and drags you all the way to give you a slap . Asa may have experienced love , maybe loves and is being loved by her husband as she claims, but I think she has settled for far less than her sexual desires have got to offer. Not even the awards she has amassed in four years is worth her job and this is not just my opinion.

The bible says :

1 Thessalonians 4:3

For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality.

Asa’s job falls under sexual immorality . If there was no God, fine , but there is one and somehow what we do with our bodies is His great concern and He would rather we treated it as a temple for His spirit and for union with our spouse alone .

 

Final words. Every girl gets horny too but no , Asa’s way is not the way we “let go ” and become free. such freedom is bondage and we should have enough self – control to wait until we can explore rightly .

 

 

Я чую…

   I hear your voice call out to me in the new house. Do they organize singing classes in the grave? Sometimes it’s sweet and you sound like a ghost. You are after all meant to sound like a ghost, are you not? You wake me up in my sleep sometimes, hoarse, coarse, howling like a woman in labor with asthma. Maybe that is why I have asthma now. I wonder what you think about that, because you never speak words when your voice comes into the house. Just sounds. But I’ve shut the windows now. I will try to sleep again.



The new house is different to the old one. Like a new secret in an old wineskin. No, I think that was wine. Father is no longer a believer now, so we don’t worry about wineskins or secrets. Everyone knows you were beat to death with an axe. A rotten axe. It should have been a new one? I don’t still understand why they make a fuss about the axe. A lone woman on a lone road. It was your fault for being alone on the road that night , they say. It is always your fault these days because if you were at home that night, how would the old man have struck you. You had missing eyes when they found you.



Sometimes I go for a walk . Sometimes , I go too far close to the river. I hear your voice there sometimes. The sun reflecting on the water like yellow stars all connected in a special dance. Do you want me to dive in? I cannot swim but your voice is too sweet. In those moments, I think you try your hardest to speak, but I wonder if you mean ‘ come’ or ‘go’. In any case mama, someone usually comes quickly to take me away. They look so worried all of them anytime they see me by the river. I think they are worried because I can hear your voice by the river.



‘ She was trying to drown again’ .



Last time, big aunty said that. I wonder what she means mama. Who is she referring to. That is what she told father the last time she dragged me from your voice and the yellow stars. Father looked sad when he heard. He asked how I got out.



It gets too hot in this new house all alone mama. I am fourteen and I like the curtains. Sometimes , I drag them all over the room and pretend I am a bride. Maybe you’ll sing at my wedding mama, but you have to tell them to teach you how to speak words. Sounds will not do, mama. What did you say? I think so. Yes, the window is open. Just a little jump. But it’s three storeys up. Okay, a moment, mama. Just one leg out and….




June

June was in a different category of differentness. Like in the way she said she wondered how it would be to grab the soil and throw it in someone’s face. She said she liked the way dirt felt under her palms, when it got under her nails, how it would feel on my face. She wanted to throw dirt on my face. She said bushes with hidden fruits were the types for lovers, because why else would tiny fruits be hidden in such places if lovers were never in the picture. There, they could talk and pick quietly and look into each other’s eyes and maybe spit. June said she would spit into the soil  if I ever sat with her. Then she would mold the soil and place it on my cheeks and I would hold her wrists and put my fingers in the spaces between hers and she would laugh a shrill laugh and we’d imagine there were dark vultures circling above us because she had a dark imagination. Then she would sigh and I would look at her steadily and then blow gently into her face and call her ‘ black mami water’ .



‘I like how weak and frail you look’ , she could say sometimes. ‘ It is good for some to be weak so the world remains balanced’ . Then she would put her arms around my neck and pretend to strangle me.



‘ Roses are red, violets are blue, well what the heck is that?’ , she would ask flinging an object far away from the fruit trees. It usually was a stick or small pebble.



‘ Is what?’ , even though I knew the answer.

She would then laugh and raise her fingers to do the peace sign and spit.



‘ AS, AS victims. I hate you’ , and then she would throw dirt on my face. ‘Why aren’t you my brother?’



‘ Because it would have been better?’, I would ask.

She would hiss then.



‘ You would have been family forever, but now….’’ And she would proceed to rub the soil all over my face.



‘ We’ll be friends forever’.

This time she spat on me. I held her as she cried.