It has been a long time. A really long time since my last letter. I can imagine you must have looked at the calendar ever so frequently, counting the days to the final letter, if ever. Why have I not written? Why have I waned? What has distracted me away from making you the focal point of my attention? I can’t really say in confessional language, but I feel these days that even writing a letter to you is too much of an extension of myself. I feel like an animal who has burrowed into it’s hole to hibernate, to hide from predators, which still is to follow biological instincts of preservation.
What has become of my life? I feel as if I have hit the brakes and there is a screech, a still audible echo of the banging of the bumper to my life vehicle as I sit in silence to muse, to discover and to think again. What is life? My life? How have I been living it? Of course, you can trust your judgement that this letter has been unplanned in the sense that I did not think of exact words to writ and my questions are only just now making themselves obvious and present. It is like reporting to duty in the Elizabeths-jungles. Lucid. If anything should make sense, maybe it will be made by figuring out the puzzle in this statement I am about to write : it can be left, it can be abandoned. You can just up and leave. This statement is not to be judged in the romantic sense of world affairs, presupposing a relationship and as such, a leaving behind of a partner by the other. What I mean is, the statement affects me directly. I have uttered it to none other but myself. To leave what? That is what I don’t really know, but to leave something, to consciously put my foot on the brakes is something that has been impressed upon my consciousness recently.
Concerning the way I write. This has been the way thoughts have been thought out in my head recently, owing maybe to a greater freedom of expressing, a divulging of my creative powers into the vessel of my body, enough to not be suppressed by any pressure to write because of the available routine, or to write in a certain way or to even write at all after this letter. Is this a cause for worry? I don’t know, but right now I feel that nothing should matter except my total freedom and need for space. I make no promises that I shall write as often from today or that I have a mad desire to grab at paper and ink or to be less exaggerating with my choice of words; to grab at my tablet or laptop, but what I do know is that I am seeking for peace and serenity and less pressure and less of anything that wants to spur me on to a showmanship of acting out my ‘being alive’ . I am alive and I don’t need to prove this by doing activities or by becoming great. At least for this moment in time. This phase of my life, whatever it is signifying or heralding. I exist and that is fine. I am not on anyone’s timetable.(you know already where this phrase has been lifted from) .
In other words Aweblue, I am probably on an alternative path again, as I always seem to be, trying to find my space and why I am in this point in time, occupying consciousness with billions of other people at this point in history. Few things interest me much. I want to be closer to God. I want to be happy. I want to study well for my exams and whatever fits into this schedule of mine, fits. Whatever does not, goes. Imagine a lazy stream. Imagine a lazy object gliding. Imagine a lazy day. Or imagine serenity and peace and you would have imagined the location of my soul. Of my twenty two year old self.
Thank you Aweblue, for being there to read. I might write soon, I might never again, but we have shared some connection that was meant to be at this time in our lives. All things are planned, if you believe the bible.
It so happens that once in a while words fail us. Once in a while we have shadows of feelings and cannot catch them, we cannot transcribe them. They exist in spaces encapsulated with moods that seem to filter out like poisonous gases. What I mean, Aweblue is that if there is anything that could explain things better, it would be playing NF songs for a long time, hoping that somehow, just somehow, the untouchable things, the things that I cannot articulate would be transmitted through just like that. I don’t know if it is a sadness for the vastness of the world or it is a sadness because I have seen the vastness in a slightly different light from when it appeared magnificent in glory. It is a matter of perspective, of a frightening shift that easily takes place within the course of the day.
Aweblue, I don’t know what I am saying or what I want to communicate even. I seem to be fighting a phantom. If only I knew what it was, it would be easier. Might. Might have been easier. But it is okay, Aweblue. I have not gotten to that stage of incoherence yet, but the world is vast. It is a big, big world and somehow today, this thing that caused me to praise hours ago, has made me feel subdued. I wish you understood. I wish you understand. I want what I cannot have, Aweblue and it might sound ironic, but I don’t know what this thing I seem so sure is. I don’t know what I do not know and do not know if I have it, and yet I think I have it not. Maybe I need to pray, Aweblue. Do you pray Aweblue. Do you think of Jesus wearing white and so far away?
I hope to be more balanced soon, maybe this is a chemical imbalance, and I had so much to talk about. But hasty letters come once in a while. This is one.
I am sorry if I write in a hurry, like in the days of true letter writing, or if I write too often, but I am feeling unwell and unstable and I need to get this all out. I don’t know who has done this thing to me, or why I am so excited these days about things, but it has been done, whatever this thing is and I am under it’s power. Somewhere it is believed that anger is a sign of life in a body and if something can cause this emotion to spring up, it means that life is still worth living, because you have an interest in it. The opposite would be apathy.
There is a quote I read earlier this morning by Maya Angelo. She wrote : There is nothing quite so tragic as a young cynic because it means the person has gone from knowing nothing to believing nothing. George Carlin says : Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. This feels like a big coincidence because only yesterday I tweeted about my cynicism. Again, the internet does not disappoint with following up. I am upset that I feel physically ill if I am not exaggerating here. Like I feel so let down by current events.
When I was growing up, Aweblue and I imagine when you were growing up, you had this desire too. You must have, like me wanted to meet famous people; presidents, writers, singers, dancers and the likes. You must have idolized them and thought them immortal, even better than your parents. It has always been a flaw of young minds to see stars as perfect, but as you grew older, as I have, you came to realize that they too made mistakes, sometimes even worse than your parents, for the mere reason that their platform was bigger. They can harm more people just as they can do good to more people because of the size of their audience. Well, I have had this illusion shattered countless times by people I have idolized and have had to pick myself up. Sure, they did not ask for us to put them on the podium and worship them, and as an adult I know better now than to do just that, but once in a while, you just want to have a hero, someone you could talk about and be proud of, and this does not happen.
I will be frank with you Aweblue, but the thing I am getting at is the man, the writer Wole Soyinka. I have read few books by this man, books I have no remembrance of because I read them long ago, and I have not had any interest to read any now because I have not been able to acquire a taste for his style of writing. I think he writes very well, from the little scrapes I have managed to read, but this should be disassociated from the man himself. As a personality, as a human, he is still subject to scrutiny under what we would call society’s morality. Wole Soyinka is a man who says he hates a man when he actually does. If he finds a man repulsive, he states that plainly. If he thinks a country is made of a sizeable proportion of nitwits, he does this with no tremor in his heart. This is all fine, as we live in a society where free speech is said to be valued. What I have a problem with is hypocrisy. If a man wants people to take him seriously as an adviser in all things moral and good for society, you would expect him to be blameless. If he finds fault in the lies of another man and in the careless way that man speaks, you would expect him to be careful with his, but this is not so.
Recently, Wole Soyinka, said in an interview that he would call a press conference if Trump wins and tear his green card. This he said after telling a story about some other man who did something similar. Trump has won, but our man has not kept to his word. Wole gave an interview yesterday saying that he made this statement to a group of oxford students and was speaking metaphorically . This may be true, but that is not our business. We are concerned with the one he made in the video to a Ghanaian man. How much do I have to be a crook to say to a friend : I will call you in the next five minutes , and after he has waited and called to find out why I haven’t called, I say to him that I was speaking metaphorically?
Some people say that this is unimportant and will change nothing at all, but I disagree because I find it deeply troubling that a man with education and with enough sophistication to be able to use words to his advantage and throw literary devices thinks that the majority of his audience are stupid and cannot see beyond the obtuseness of his speech. I feel insulted that someone would think that he is so intelligent to lie his way through and that meandering through unrelated topics will make us forget our initial question of when? Or will you keep to your words and not be double minded? Can you be trusted? I am wary now of trusting his tales about the places he has been and his activities, because who knows what has been distorted conveniently in his mind?
Aweblue, I am not blameless. I think I lie too without meaning to and say things out of turn but I would hope that if I am ever confronted with this, that I would not feel too big to apologize. If I am ever called out and mocked at and fingers pointed at me saying that I once called out Wole, but look at me now doing the same thing, I would be embarrassed but I should be able to say plainly that I spoke out of turn and I am sorry. Insulting people should not be the way to go.
Jesus himself says we will account for every word we have spoken. This is a serious matter of integrity and I am disappointed. I think the events of these few days have taught me to think things through for myself more. This is all I have to say, Aweblue.
Picture of my table
I have been writing this letter to you for the past two days, but all the writing as usual have been done in my head, together with the editing. I had little energy to expend in actual typing, but this morning, I feel full enough to write.
First Aweblue, I woke up looking so pale. My brown skin was so dry and pale and I felt ugly and just kept staring at the mirror and combing my hair until I just have up and decided that today, it should be okay to not look like my best self, especially since I am 22. This is usually the way I console myself. I tell myself that I will look great when in am twenty five, six, seven etc etcetera, completely ignoring all my ideas about how we should live in and appreciate the moment. Theory is always different from practice. Which leads me to Patricia Bright. Anytime I am in that time of my cycle where I feel lack, desire to do or want anything, I usually watch Patricia bright. She’s my inspiration. I rarely watch her makeup or fashion tips but since she started doing those talks, I started watching. This I do once in six months or so. I am telling you this so you know I don’t watch often just because I am rarely in those cycles of the year.
Patricia Bright made a new video where she talked about her insecurities and especially how the internet fueled this, making her to second guess her thoughts always. If you know Patricia, you’d envy her confidence, which is exactly why I even watch, and so hearing her ramble about how she feels that knowing internet viewers are watching makes her feel that she shouldn’t or doesn’t have the privilege to feel insecure made me feel sympathy. She admitted that she does have a privileged life and lots of great things going on for her; family and the new baby but on some days she just feels she’s is not good enough, not beautiful enough, not doing enough. She also said that lying down all day makes her feel terrible about herself, because her best place to be is where she is always active and productive and i understood this very well. I liked how she said that compared to her previous self, she’s really become less confident, but that life maybe is in seasons like this and we all go through equal phases of both. This is something I have truly accepted, so if I feel insecure about a lot of things now, I know I will be fine and I also know there is a possibility I will have to fight this again, because that is the way it works.
About lying down to take a break and maybe watch Netflix and feeling miserable later, I totally understood her. Aweblue, I no longer take naps in the afternoon and it has made me irritable lately, but my reason was because I felt I did not deserve it. Worse thing is I am barely productive after four pm and yet I think staying awake and doing less quality work till eleven pm is the way to go. I have decided to stop this from today. I will take care of myself and stop listening to these crude voices telling me in my head what I deserve or don’t. They should not judge me without my consent.
Aweblue, I am worried that I live a world where sentiments and emotions rule instead of logic. I told you I will be following the elections and the outcomes and do you know that all the online newspapers have shown is pictures of disappointed Clinton fans? I mean there were about 50 million plus voters for Trump. How come they are not represented in the media? Why is this media showing sadness and doom all through? Where is democracy? Where is the voice of trump supporters? You won’t believe how much this annoys me, considering I have been neutral about this for so long. I just am shocked at how easily news can be twisted to cater to the emotions of a select group of people. I would think that minus two hundred people thousand who voted for Hilary, we would have their celebration validated at least, but there is no one representing these groups in the media and this makes me wary from now on on consuming propaganda.
Chimamanda said something in a recent BBC interview that on the side of the oppressors, we have always had some oppressed people giving leverage. This is something I feel I need to think about regarding this election. It is important that we don’t sabotage each other as a people. Do you know a mother, a black mother put her little son outside because he voted for trump in a mock election at school. His reason,poor child was because he saw him so often on Tv. It is outrageous ,Aweblue. Both sides need to get their heads in the right place and stop this nonsense. The only way I see now is compromise so that there can be unity. We need to stop showing sad faces and proclaiming doom and begin work already to unify the country. This is not to say that I am disregarding their fears and anxiety. As the desiring god link I read today said, our duty as Christians is not to tell people they are silly for being afraid or worrying, but to mourn with them, laugh with them, be for them and with them whether or not their fears and worries are exaggerated. This is my stance on the issue, which if you look at it again ,means I am for unity.
I have been writing a paper, a thirty page paper on left handed children. It is difficult in some ways Aweblue, because this is done in Ukrainian. Did I tell you I learnt this language on my own, by reading a dictionary at home? I live a weird life Aweblue, sometimes I just want everyone to go away because explaining myself feels like it is not worth it, like they don’t deserve to know me. But I did this and I should be proud of myself but because I know no one who has learnr a language this way and gone to a university to study, I have no one to compare my progress with and sometimes I feel anxious and alone. Sometimes I feel I am not good enough or too good and again, I have no way of knowing which it is. I think maybe God did this this way, so I would not compare myself to anyone because really what are the similarities for me to even have a foundation for comparison?
I have forgotten the last thing I wanted to add. Whenever I do, I will let you know.
I pick my pictures with care now. This one has been edited to make it blue. I find that blue calms me and yellow makes me happy. I remember when I used to tell my friend that pictures on blogs made me not want to read. Many times, that really is the case, because of the poor quality of those pictures, the lack of thought in choosing one and I do not like photos of random people either. I only like them when the writer has some connections with these people and if they are connected in some way to the story or writing.
Trump won. Yes, he did. I wonder what your reaction to this news was. I’ll tell you what mine was. I was not nearly as surprised as I should have been, because of what I told you in the last letter. After checking Dinesh d’souza’s page,and later Trump’s page, I knew anything was possible. Even though I’d never really taken much interest in this election, today was the day I just realized that Hilary really has done something remarkable and I am not sure when next we would have a female willing to go that far as to contest to become president. So, as a young woman, this is my loss whether I like Hilary or not. I decided to read more about Trump’s promises to Americans and far from seeing him utter incoherent words like ‘ great’, big and like , like , like , he does have something to offer America, or at least the republican party has something to offer America.
What does he have to offer America? Well, he seems to be pro-life, and for reforms in education. He sounded very condescending with that statement about building a wall in Mexico and creating a beautiful door for legal migrants, but I think the idea is not a terrible one. And for people in Australia, Canada and elsewhere who do not think he is right about this, where are their welcoming arms? Why are they not welcoming immigrants? Is this America’s job alone. His speech today too praising Hilary, whether made out of obligation and necessity, at least for the first time shows that maybe he is not as unreasonable as be has portrayed himself to be. So, I will hope for the best and I will, God willing, if I live that long, be following the next four years of his leadership, to learn, to be informed, because the thought crossed my mind, that I might be president someday? Don’t laugh 🙂
I think people have let fear get a hold on them. The panic is over -exaggerated. My reason for thinking this is, good presidents have not done all they have promised, so why should we be so afraid when people we think would be bad presidents make threats. I think a more balanced view would be that Trump will do little good and a little bad, just like everyone else before him. The excitement will wane , just as it waned in Buhari’s case, with him finally admitting that he felt like running away from the county when he finally knew the situation and what he had gotten himself into. Same with trump. The work only just begins and I hope this will humble him.
I tried not to study today because I am tired of books. Today is not an ordinary day, so I have given myself permission to sleep and just rest. I should add Aweblue , that knowing I will talk to you at the end of the day gives me a lot of satisfaction. With new information I find, I immediately think of how to tell you and this has been a lot of help. What do you think of the hat anyway? Something to wear in Italy or is that too cliché?
Ah! My life is going to smithereens lol. You know, I have never used the word before and I am unsure if I have used it correctly now. All I know is it sounds so funny and when I read it being used in one of the etisalat’s short story competitions that almost everyone on my list is going on about, I just closed the link and said ‘ what a horrible story’ . Haha, I sound a bit conceited now, so let me retrace my footsteps now. I did not say it was horrible, but it reeked of everything I don’t like in a story. Overused words and words like smithereens that mean nothing except to tell us that you know the word. I dislike these competitions. I like money, but I think I have decided that making money should not make me beg so much with something that is more of a healing balm to me than a money making scheme. It would be better I did not have this talent and love for writing than to be put in a position where I have to hawk it. I really dislike it.
Tonight, my plan to sleep early has been disrupted my a friend who wants me to help correct her essay. She will be done in the next thirty minutes, so to keep myself awake, I have decided to write to you. And then, maybe tomorrow I will actually sleep early. I have been on a research paper since morning and you would think that I would have done something tangible with it by now, but no, or maybe yes, I am not really sure which it is, because my progress feels so slow and even non existent, it hurts. But I started reading Tozer and he says somewhere that God holds time. This is my only consolation tonight.
Yesterday, I put it in my journal that I would talk to you about my love for comics. I wanted to say that I could imagine many hours scrolling through comics with you and finding them funny still. I still don’t understand what the bonus panel means and it infuriates me. Everyone keeps saying the bonus panel this and that and I don’t get it. Argh! Do you? And I think memes are great, especially the classic memes, although they tend to go on the lewd spectrum sometimes, but more often than this, are the clean jokes that just fits the description of ‘apt’.
Tomorrow, we will know who the next president of the United States of America is. I decided to check D.S page today to see who he was supporting and he is supporting Trump. I don’t understand it. D.S impressed me those days when I used to watch him take on atheists, even though I felt it was more intellectual with no room for soul winning. Still, he made for a brilliant man, but now , not so much. I think he is just as human as everyone else, even worse when he is particularly blinded by his prejudices. No, I don’t think Hilary laughed in that video about the rapist. I mean she did, but I don’t think she laughed at the idea of rape itself, but at the way the lie detector test failed. Was she wrong for taking up the case in the first place? Well, that is a moral issue in it’s own. Someone wpukd have taken it instead of her, would that person have been wrong? Still, as the last story I read asks ‘ can you imagine Trump addressing the U.N.?’
I don’t know Aweblue if I have become a better person today. I think my chill tank is getting frayed at the edges and becoming volatile. I feel in me the need to explode when I see something I don’t agree with. Now, I just take breaks to chill off enough to reply calmly. I think, this is old age catching up with me. Getting defined and all that coming of age talk.
Good night Aweblue.
My first letter went to the wind; digital wind. It is gone, missing, swallowed up by the determiners of what goes into the internet and it is strange that while I have never spoken to you before, I should feel free to rant about it. It was meant to be our introduction to each other–specially crafted, handmade, all those things that make an object customized and personal. I thought to give up for today already, but felt new inspiration and motivation to write again and so I am writing to you with more passion than before,and this time I will save all my letters on my online journal. The loss of my first letter to you has made me feel the effect of loss ; loss itself. I have been stung Aweblue!
I will not write again the things that were contained in the first letter. Let us agree that we have shared and experienced a death and we will mourn in our own separate ways. And maybe I have lost the first letter because I jumped right in to tell you things as if it were a casual blog post, but it is not. I did not even make mention of why I write to you, what I want from you, why I do anything at all, so I will begin. I am writing this because you are someone who will understand me, that will listen to me and hear things exactly as I have written, with the right colors to taint them, because you are the closest thing created to resemble me, Aweblue. As I say your name, it rhymes a lot with Aubrey. But you are not Aubrey, but Aweblue. The temptation to say awesome is much eh?
I am sighing now Aweblue, because I still want to tell you the things contained in the first letter. Oh! Now it is gone again. I will just pause now as I think of what next to write to you. It’s so nice that you are patient and have nowhere to rush to. Modernity is not an obstruction on the path to understanding me. You will never have as your excuse a tired mind, a long day as a reason to not read my letters. This is clearly impossible, because the moment I place the final full stop is precisely the moment you would be be finished reading my letter. My only worry in all this is that I might fall in love with you; a figment of my imagination and where would that leave me? But this is one time I will throw caution and plunge in to create something whose company I will enjoy and if I end up terribly ill with too much fantasy delving ,at least I will be happy. I don’t want to say much now till my next letter.
It is November and I have been silent for a long time here, migrated to Twitter and have been revealing odd information here and there and I love it. I got a book to write longer pieces down, but I am not sure how much that is going to work. I feel that in the end, I never do go through with writing personal pieces when I am addressing them solely to myself. The idea that I have thrown speech out to the wind for anyone to catch changes the tone of my writing, makes me get into the performance kind of persona and this is why i will be dedicating this month to recording fantasy from my head down.
I will begin the next series of letter to a Mister Aweblue, as I experiment what I read somewhere about the way some writers change their personality with the various diaries they’ve kept. More like an alter thing, but this one is creative, as nothing in the brain splits, I hope* , but there is a conscious effort to form character. Mr. Aweblue is an imaginary penpal who never writes back. A gossip mate, so yes we will be gossiping here a lot, as I train myself and give myself room to do the observations and tweeting like a bird as I have been doing on Twitter, but on a larger scale.
And there goes my hello to November. ☺