Happiness is finally being able to slip right back into the place you slipped out from. At a point I was tired of hearing my voice and reading my written thoughts, but hello, Leute! Ich lerne Deutsch finally. I feel a bit restrained as I mention this mostly because of the recurring thoughts I have had after watching one of dephne’s vlogs, where she mentioned that people around aren’t really that happy about your progress and sometimes you have to hush and work in secret. Fantastically, her example was my name sake, Elizabeth, the mother of John. God told her to keep herself hidden for months until it was time to reveal herself.
I am generally very enthusiastic about whatever new thing I pick up, until it wears me out. I know that I cannot possibly be fluent in a language in just one week, but some perfectionist streak in me pushes me so hard that I find myself doing things for the first few days in overdrive and this is what is currently happening. I have spent my week in front of my tab going through German A1 courses and now I am almost in B2 and it began to feel overwhelming because I had become obsessed about it. I am obsessed about it and instead of enjoying the process, I keep thinking about all the things that could happen and by this I mean things that could go wrong before I complete the courses. The house could collapse, God forbid, there might be an earthquake, war could break out and I could grow old before the end of the year, complete with grandchildren which means less time to study German . It all seems ridiculous, but these are my irrational fears and I realized it was becoming unhealthy and I needed to write about it.
I like the new quiet in my head and my minimalistic way of living. I am ploughing very slowly through John Cleese instead of rushing through it like I would get a trophy at the end for having read it so fast. I really love the book, and felt distressed at how time just kept flying past me with just a page or none read per day. I had to also take a deep breathe and tell myself that it is okay to be engrossed in other things that interest me even more currently and do things at my own pace. I am really in a different head space what with rewatched Fawlty towers episodes flashing before my eyes and making me feel like a very interesting person. A meshed German-English-Russian- Ukrainian -Ibibio girl. I am really continental. I have this undercurrent of excitement that makes me unable to sleep so much as thoughts and different ideas keep fluttering and as I realise that I could never be properly bored in my life again because there is something to always do now. There are so many things to learn and alternate paths to explore. It can only get better from now on.
With all my overwhelming feelings of all the things I need to do, I had to constantly remind myself that what I call the things I do matters a lot if I am aiming for some peace of mind. I am not living for myself, I kept reminding myself. I am living because I am an instrument to be of service to God and not a hoarder trying to get everything earthly and fleeting. I had to remind myself constantly that languages belong to God, that I will live forever, that nothing I achieve in life can be compared to what God is capable of doing for me, that even though the economy looks bleak, God is not at His wits end like us. He is my Shalom. Thinking this way frees me from anxiety about my life and the future. It frees me from minute planning of my life because it isn’t mine to plan. It isn’t even mine to start with. I own nothing but Christ. He is my rock and my strength. I must confess that this mental exercise of magnifying the Lord as I , with His help diminish my position is an on- going one. I might get it right in the morning but very easily and through out the day, little by little, I forget a little and a little more, until once again my hands find themselves frantically grabbing at the reins to ride the life-horse. This is why the Bible admonishes us to constantly renew our minds. We cannot be trusted to be consistent without maintenance.
This is why I listened to Rivers and robots as usual and looked at the videos with nature, just to be reminded about the being whose power transcends beyond my understanding and holds nations together. In this hopeful place, I realise that He directs me, orders my steps, fulfils the purpose of my life. Here, I remember that there is no constant in my life but God. He has always been there, will always be there forever even when I change, when people around me change, when I lose friends and gain friends, when I lose years and gain years, lose wealth and gain wealth, He remains my shalom. I had to write this blog post finally as a reminder to not let life get in the way.
I need new gloves because these ones are glowing, and this is not a request to hit the like button. In fact, I’m trying to move towards making this more interactive than passive. Raheem says I make expository blog posts where I lay everything on your heads with the silent implication that this is my opinion and you may very well stick yours into your pockets.
My week has been colorful and my exams have been good as well. I still have this week and then it will all be over. Some mishaps along the way, like a torn pair of jeans, like period related brain fog, like me talking so loudly with a Congo guy, giving my number to him and not picking his call later ( yea, I know I have issues) , but I also had good scores in my pedagogy exams, in my translation exam where the lecturer asked me how many names Nigerians have and I answered two; a formal and informal one. But of course that is not what he was asking my tired self. He wanted to know if we had three or five surnames. Sigh. Well, that is said and gone.
I have lost a considerable amount of weight of course. My cheeks have travelled on a long vacation and we just have to keep ourselves company with food till they return. I have reduced my online chats to a considerably small amount and yet I still find it hard to catch up even with the very few people I have as Contacts on my whatsapp. Still reply my messages late, but I am glad that my time has been used better since I left full time social media.
I wanted to rest yesterday because things have been going really well until I read something about the soil being under us one day and the next day, it could be on top of us, so the advice was to pray. That put me right on track again. We need to pray without ceasing. Bad things are still trying to occur in our lives and we are never for a second able to live without God’s grace and protection.
I have set new goals for myself. They include learning German which should start on Wednesday, learning new English vocabulary; five words per day and using them instead of their simpler counterparts, look for a job before the end of the week, and read my new book by John Cleese.
‘So , anyway’ by John Cleese promises to be one of my favorite books of the year. Its an autobiography by the actor in Monty Python which I love and Fawlty towers, both hilarious sketches with wicked , twisted British humour.
I love this new song by Sinnach ‘ God is for me’ . So many positive words in that song, it makes me feel optimistic every time I sing it. I am a burning and shining light! I also like the song ‘ Onishe Iyanu’ by our Nathaniel Bassey. God is a God of awesome wonders, even though my autocorrect is currently trying to take that position from Him.
Yesterday, I also discovered that what I’d been calling British rap is actually British grime. Let me make this pronouncement: British grime is one of the best things invented for my ears. Was listening to Lady Leshurr again this morning. Planning to hunt the rest down, the clean ones of course . I like lady leshurr because she doesn’t curse, and she has that fun vibe to her. Should be wrapping this up now, as I have a bus to catch.
Davidian is not a real word, but I’m using it in the sense to mean a man who one minute is praising God and the next is asking where God is. Even Jesus who we now ask why He forsakes us, once went Davidian on God. It is common to think that people who sell us great business ideas must have no business troubles of their own or that it you are a counsellor, psychologist, pastor or really just anyone who offers some kind of service to others like advice, that your life must be properly arranged like books on a book shelf. This of course, is not the case.
So it is quite possible as you have noticed, dear reader, that some days I am very motivated and motivational and on others I have no idea just where the compass is pointing or if at all I have been included on the map and not forgotten somewhere in the consciousness of God. This is the life of a Christian. We face discouragement and all kinds of thoughts, and have to fight daily. But sometimes it feels like we are the only ones fighting anything. Sometimes, it feels like I am the only one fighting anything and that everyone’s life is just great and I Google ” bad things that have happened to you” , because I just am with my mouth open wondering well, what the heck? Na only me waka come?
Going Davidian means that on days like yesterday , I wonder just how much better I would have done the God thing of running my life for me. I see just how much easier it would have been to have my mother still alive at this stage. I see how many language problems I would not have had, how much company and comfort, how many job offers I would have had and how minimal financial troubles would have been. I compare myself to others who still have parents taking an interest in their lives and I wonder why I became so adult-like so soon. In many ways I feel like a complete orphan because even with a surviving father, I cannot talk much about what is happening in my life or share my feelings , thoughts with him and we do not talk often. I have so many regrets on how we lived our life when we were a family. I have times when angry feelings and thoughts get redirected even when I have worked through all of them and forgiven lots of things, yet there are still things one wishes had never happened and times when I see how many other tragedies could have been avoided and how much life would have been different then. It is this helplessness that can be hard to endure, the memory of helplessness is a deep pain.
I have a grandmother and an aunt who love me very much, but I still keep a lot to myself. My grandmother is someone who suffers from anxiety and complains a lot and you might think it’s impossible to always have something to be unhappy about everyday, but my grandma puts that argument to rest. Because of this, I try to minimise contact with her as I do not want to have the little sources of hope I cling on to , to be corrupted by despair and worries. I can do this for myself without external help. Because of this however, we have lost what could have made us close and do not talk too much except about things that concern daily living, like food, the weather and other small talk. Many times, I am sorry that she is a good example of how spirits do not sleep. God, angels and non-angels are not sleeping. If your mind is constantly ruminating over dark thoughts, you will have dark spirits relentlessly speaking and hounding your mind, because words have power. I know that this can be stopped but I doubt if you can change someone’s mind by just telling them everything will be alright. It feels like a cosmetic bandaging and temporal instead of a real searching for the root to uproot. Maybe this is me speaking in a pessimistic way.
I also wonder too if God really hears my prayers and if I have rejoiced too soon in what I perceive to be answers to prayers, and you could call those things doubts. Do we all have them? I don’t know, but I know for me that they are a reality. This makes me wonder if I can trust God as much, and if I really in fact have ever really trusted Him in the first place, especially when things that once appeared to be blessings from Him to me turn sour and you wonder about the verse that says a parent does not give you a serpent instead of fish. I wonder too if this means all I have down have been by my effort and if I can take the glory instead, and if the humans who have always supported me can partake of it as well, even when I understand that God gives life and we could not have achieved anything without that being ours in the first place. Yet, there is a doubt about His directing and if we are all just going downhill and rejoicing and being oblivious about it.
In being Davidian, I want to speak word that asks the question of why I was not made less strong, more fragile, because fragile people would not be given too much to bear, since we are told that He doesn’t give us loads that will break our necks. Growing daily, I feel cheated that the irony of all this is I am growing even stronger and more mature and this would eventually mean I am becoming just the sort of person to be able to handle even deeper disappointments, more pain and more of everything that would make me a classic example of Job. So, in a sense , it feels like as you make yourself even better, it doesn’t essentially get better for you and if your mind is still in the flesh, you are actually not helping yourself in anyway. This is the paradox of seeking God. Well, the way is narrow and our burdens are light? But we will be called even worse names than Jesus? Interesting.
We don’t see anyone calling David a sufferer of bipolar, but as a man after God’s heart. Maybe he set goals and resolutions about his behaviour and attitude. He must have, as a man with so many failings, and so have I. I have for example decided not to give in to despair by living this one day at a time. This is a time limit of not thinking of how things are going to eventually crash. Do I for one moment imagine that after three years , I will give myself freedom to feel hopeless? No. Because I hope that in three years of not letting any form of negativity overwhelm me, I will have come out with the mindset that allows me not to despair even if I wanted to, because again, the interesting thing is, I will not want to. So, even if I want to despair, I will not want to despair . Three years is a mighty big challenge, Lizzy, don’t you think and you might want to set a more short term goal like a year? A week? Right. Three years are divided into days and minutes and seconds, it’s something that needs to be practiced daily for all one’s life. My own limit for celebrating just what has come out of this decision is three years however.
K.J Scrivens sings : you are my father, and I know you’re watching over me, you are my rock, so I will trust in you.
Travis Greene sings :my hallelujah belongs to you.
And if all these do not do it, psalm 139 always comes to the rescue:
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Surprisingly, when it comes to words as with all things, you can borrow quite a lot; from Latin, Greek, the Celtic elements, Scandinavian, and French. I would love now to tell you the secret of recognizing where words have been borrowed.
I have already mentioned butter from Latin. This was one of the words from the earliest Latin borrowings as they are in fact three periods; the early period, the period of Chrisitianization(is this a word?) and the late latin period. Pretty easy to remember eh?hahahah. oh well. So, apparently in the early times, people drank a lot of tea and so they needed guess what? right! They needed to be able to say” put the kettle on the fire or whereever and so they borrowed words like cup, kettle, dish and plum. Maybe this is how they began to speak plummy English?
In the period when christianity was very much a great force , they needed to be able to say words like Priest,preach and choir, and finally in the late period after the Norman conquest and the rennaisaince and every body was walking around with their little refined souls, they borrowed words like legal, spacious, simile, gesture and animal( who are you calling an animal, mister? touche, touche lol+)
Well, as for the Celtic elements. We all know words like Manchester , thanks to football or actually the Celts, because they intoduced more words like Gloucaster and lancaster , and the river Thames and Avon. Thames means ‘the dark one’/ They also introduced bard and whiskey. Whiskey means ‘water of life’. Who would have thought?
Looking at Scandinavian words, Aweblue, I find it interesting how many of their words start with letter combinations as ‘sk’ in words like skirt,sky and skin. or ‘k’ and ‘g’ before letters ;i’ and e’. For example ‘kid’ or ‘get’. Words like ‘husband’ and ‘fellow’ are also borrowed from this language.
I am tired already of all these, Aweblue, and shall have to go now to bore you another time or never maybe. It helped though to write out some of these things. Till whenever.
I am writing because it has been a precarious season of non-speech as originally planned, until of course, something came up to spur my writing you again. It is interesting to note that January , as the baby month of the year, has immediately been stored in the archives. Imagine that , Aweblue! The archives! History is being made right here. Dearest Aweblue, the sweetest, sweetest Aweblue of all times, there are no words to express just how much I am allergic to studying anything, but seeing I still have hours to kill before I begin a mad week of trains, metros and buses, I thought that I might as well just sit here and talk to you about lexicology, if this would help me revise what I am without mincing words, very sick of thinking about.
Lexicology,Aweblue is the science of words, their meanings and how they are combined in word groups. For example, you could look at a word and wonder really long and hard if you are curious , just where this word originated from, what it means, and why objects are called this and not that. It can be called the activity of Adam, because you know, in the Bible it says he was the one to name all creatures. If you hate this , you could call it the curse of Adam for having to study it, but I wouldn’t want that, because you are redeemed lol.
A very long time ago in the 5th century, some people came to the British isles and they were of the Germanic tribe; the Angles, Saxons and the Jutes. These people supplied many of the words of the old English. Do you have a father, Aweblue? and a good heart? a cat? is your favorite color red? do you like looking at the moon? well, if you do, you are only able to say those words because they were brought by these tribes. Common nouns like ; rain, snow, hand, adjectives like; green,deep, high, small are other examples.
Now you might be wondering just why on earth the old English people could not formulate their own words and why they had to borrow from other people, like from the Turks, from Latin and so on? Well, they just did not have some products and had to just simply adopt the new names. The word ‘ butter’ for example was fairly new and was gotten from Latin. “Whisky’ is a Scottish Gaelic word, and Sauna is a Finnish word. Don’t get confused now, Aweblue, because borrowing has a source and an origin. English people can hear a French word like Papier which means paper and decide to adopt it, and that would be a source of borrowing for the English. The french on the other hand know that the true origin of that word is from greek;papyros- paper made of papyros stalks.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesdays and in facts all days of the week are what we call calques because they were borrowed from Latin and modified according to a set pattern in English. Loans do not nly exist in banks, as we have semantic loans. These are words that developed a new meaning because of the influence of another word in a different language on them. I know right? peer pressure sup? . for example, once upon a time, the word ‘dream’ used to mean joy, or music, but now it means vision during sleep.
They are many types of borrowed elements; etymological doublets. Think of a chameleon. They look alike but they are not the same any more.Why? because they entered a language through different routes? Like you travelling to Nigeria through plane and me swimming all the way because I am supernatural. they include words such as history and story, defence and fence, Similar? you bet. Another borrowed element is the hybrid. Just like we have mixed raced children; me, we have mixed race words. Starvation is one of such words, befool, besiege, beguile are others cus trust me, they all look foreign.
Borrowed words, Aweblue can be assimilated or if you may, be conformed phonetically, grammatically and graphically and semantically into the new language and this can be complete or partial. Words like cheese, wine,die are so completely assimilated that you don’t even know they are foreign, whereas words like formula which has a plural of formulae has only been assimilated partially , and because it does not follow local English conventions of adding an ‘s’ for plurality, we say it has not been grammatically assimilated. The other year, I was writing what looked like a memoir, and stopped halfway. The word memoir is foreign . You know this because of how the stress falls on the second syllable , unlike in a true English word where stress goes on the first syllable. This is an example of a word that has not been assimilated phonetically.
In my next letter, I shall explain more. Bear with me , dearest. We have to share this burden.
Brethen, I interrupt your life to bring you the news of my life, for the following reasons; the powerpuff theme just sang itself in my head; I am sitting on a train and want to appear busy; a grown man stared at my face unashamedly today that I was wondering if my pair of jeans had climbed all the way to my face and ripped itself, because you never know what socialism has done to jeans; because I realise I really look fine with this new pair of glasses and low cut and red lips and my skin colour and I still have two hours before I get home and I don’t really want to read for the exam tomorrow until I get home; and because the semi colon makes me wonder . A lot. Makes me wonder a lot about semi colon usage.
As the saying goes, this is the second paragraph and I want to eat. A lot.For the first time in my exam taking life in Ukraine, I don’t feel hungry as much. I make sure I drink fluids and eat snacks to avoid my cheeks ‘gumming’ together. I feel I need to comment on the picture I used for this blog post. That is what we call the depth pose. It’s a strong call for contemplation, and I urge you all to be in the mood for contemplation and ask things about the colour of the eyes above and how that happened and to also say things like ‘ oh wow, isn’t that great?’
It’s only 2.25pm, but I feel as if I’ve overlived today. Since my day literally started by 2a.m. today, I almost quite have.Exam periods make me feel disconnected from a lot of things. It’s like a fasting period that I wondered Elizabeth, why don’t you do this often to deal with issues in your life? For example, I’m no longer interested in reading short stories of any kind , I feel disconnected from my friends in a way because my experiences are so odd and different, I don’t even know where to start. I need a day’s sleep to reboot my memories.I’ve had a lot of foggy moments this week and had to jot every little thing so I wouldn’t forget later.
Great news: I’m no longer crushing. The stress of the week don kill am. If it hasn’t died completely, its been finely reduced.
Been jamming this song by Chuza on soundcloud. Title of the song is ‘ for you’ . The beats and the bad girl line are my favorite parts in it. And Chuza has a fine hair cut in that picture.
What do we talk about? This feels hard. I’ve been planing to mention what God revealed to me as I was complaining yesterday. He said that I should think differently about work and every activity of mine. For example, when I am prone to ask How did you let that happen, God? Or what are you even doing? Or help me. I could easily and should replace those kind of sentences with new statements. Instead of feeling like I need Him to make me successful, I should have the idea of being in the same team with Him. It should no longer be as I go out, do this and this.It can be, but that I should be more focused on saying as we go out, what do we do today? Instead of saying be there with me, I should know already that He is there with me and say things like what do we do there when we get there. To summarize this, I felt in me that I should say Our journey, our job, our this and that more than I say my , mine, or for me.
And I want to end this with the lyrics from Jorja Smith’s and Maverick’s song Carry me home.
Midnight strikes, where is my prince?
Lost my comfort, more time to think
Broken and bruised, tell me what I am
Feel so unused, help me find your hand
I guess the sun still waits here
Got to hold it up for him
Carry me home
Bear my weight on your shoulders
Carry me home
A demisexual is someone who feels a sexual attraction to someone only after connecting on an emotional level. Only just knew about the word yesterday, after being called this by the friend P in the previous post. I’ve been doing a lot of research on sexual attraction lately, read so many articles on how much importance we should give to this aspect of life. Should we marry someone we do not find attractive? I’ve compared Christian answers to non Christian answers and have come to my own conclusion on the matter.
Many Christians are quick to say that in a godly relationship, we should place more emphasis on godly character, in loving the lord and all of that, and less on appearance , because if we love them, we will be attracted to them. I have a big problem with this. Loving someone deeply does not suddenly mean that you will have a desire to sleep with them. Sex again, in Christian circles is very much hammered upon, about how it is a tool of grace to help keep people together. So, how exactly do you have sex frequently with someone you do not exactly want to touch in a sexual way? I dislike very much the way many of the articles I read fluttered round this topic. Attraction is subject to the individual’s taste, so appearance can be the least of the things that make you want to touch your partner, but there must be something. Something very strong that attracts you to them. This should not be toned down in any way. You must be attracted to your partner, not can, not someday, but now, before you marry, after you marry, for as long as the marriage lasts.
Many people are in unhappy marriages, slugging it out for the sake of their children, managing a spouse because he or she loves them a lot and has been very good to them.Yet, in spite of these efforts, they cannot force themselves to have feelings for these people. And because they have kept with the facade and lies for this long, they feel they have to continue because it’ll be hurtful not to. They feel many people will judge them for their inability to see the goodness in the other person. The truth is that they have seen the goodness and they do their best to be kind and gentle, but this is not what gives you the grace to be true to someone with your body. Sure, there is the fact that sexual attraction wanes with time and bodies change as we age, so it isn’t guaranteed even when it exists in the beginning, but this is just reducing sexual attraction to a purely physical act. Because you can be turned on just by the way someone speaks, the conversations you have. I can’t state this enough, but there must be something in them that makes you want to be with them and them alone, that pulls you so strongly towards them. This, to me is what attraction is all about.
So, all those character talks make me angry. I feel its so misleading. Marriage is not just friendship. You can actually do without it. It requires intimacy of the sexual kind. And it is unfair to get married if you have it in mind to endure this part of it just because he is a good man and can be a leader and awesome father, and because she is a godly , praying sister. That might be true, but best to be with that godly person who you feel you can touch happily. Being a Christian does not suddenly make you the right spouse for just about anyone.
I have a feeling I’ve been awake for three day and it cracks me up, it kills me actually( in catcher in the rye style😂😂) . I can’t sleep! There are so many reasons why I can’t sleep. From me wondering about life and people to so much mental gymnastics and physical exertion but anyway , I really like this picture I took of myself yesterday. I like the way my lips turned out really dark after editing it. I told one of my friends who said he liked fish blood red, that I am the real deal and that this was me after drinking lots of that bloody substance. And my nose decided not to be pointed yesterday. Not that I have a pointed nose, but some days it really can be pointed and from the side , it is very pointed. Not sure what brand of nose this is, but my daddy takes the credit for this handiwork.
One of my other friends P, who has about the same level of eccentricity as me, sent me this messages yesterday:
Him:I trust you are well.
Me:Yes I am.How are you
Him: I am well.
Now that we’re communicating politely.
Me: Yes indeed. How are martha and getrude doing. I presume the weather has been kind to them?
Him: Yes, they will be leaving for teacher’ college in the Spring. Claudette and I are so excited to see our twins going off to school
Him:Ivanovitch is expecting your call tonight
Me: My husbands affairs should not be spoken in such a casual manner. Hush hush, who knows if the Germans have been intercepting. Can’t trust my letters anymore these days
Him: Very well then. I shall tell him that the hen will crow this afternoon
Me: Now I feel indebted😭
Him: I am merely fulfilling the blood oath my father swore to yours
Me: Your loyalty and faithfulness will not be forgotten, I swear on my ring
Him: And your remembrance shall be remembered. I swear on my stomach
Me: Lol always about the lamb
Today did not go half as bad as I imagined it could. Yes, there are still areas to work on, stuff I’ll talk about later as I only just got home after a long day. I can’t postpone writing about this because it feels urgent. I came home today to find out that our dog is no more. Muktar is dead. He was hit by a car some days ago and we did not know because many inches of snow fell since Christmas. He’d been missing since then. Sometimes Muktar leaves us to play. This is what we usually call it,so we don’t usually worry whenever he disappears for two days or more. It usually doesn’t exceed a week in summer and he knows his way back. Summer is mating season.
Winter is different though.its hard to find food for a week and my grandma was rightly upset he’d not come to eat for this long. Our neighbor mentioned he’d seen a white dog somewhere close to the fence. I haven’t seen his body but we cannot bury him yet until the snow melts a bit. As much as I don’t like dogs , Muktar has been like family. He’s been here longer than I have been in Ukraine . Now, there’ll be no one to eat the left overs until we get a new dog and this is sad. It’s very sad.
Every time I lose a cat, I feel real loss , as if I have lost a human. I’ve lost about four different cats since I came to Ukraine. Stray cats find their way to this house and after a while we get attached to them, or mostly me, since grandma feeds them but doesn’t like them much or at all. She loves dogs. This means that our cats live outside where they are susceptible to lots of diseases and infections and could get hit by a car if they should stray so far. Trust me,cats can travel long distances. I no longer carry them to touch because I’m afraid of what could be on their fur and hidden from sight. Also, I don’t want to feed my allergies, but cats make my heart melt. I’ve repeatedly said to myself after each loss, that I could never love another cat again, but this is so difficult to follow through as each cat is different. People think I’m mad when I say cats have personality. One look into their eyes and you’d easily know what type this cat is and somehow the heart expands to accommodate this flavor of cat love.
I’m rambling here I know,but this is because I’m tired. I also came home to hear that my grandma almost fainted again today. She collapsed from her chair and shifted so far back to touch the new heating system. Sometimes I feel time is ticking and counting down towards inevitable tragedy, first; the dog which has brought about a new era of change, and who knows what next. I don’t know, but it’s a sad thing to lose a pet.
Hello everybody! it is expedient that I say this( not really) . We have come a long way , fam. From the days when I was crying not to be dragged to school this semester, to me having exam week begin in two days. We really have come a long way. This post is my good luck charm or mirror, so when I’m done( because I always feel like I’m about to stand infront of a bulldozer every exam period) and survive it all, I could come back to give myself a pat on the back and see how beautiful I have been become. I have no idea what’s going to happen, but if you’ve been following this blog, you know already that I’ve always had bronchitis and pneumonia after every exam in winter, so I know what’s up. I know what I am coming against and it is fair to say I am equally excited and nervous about my experiences in the next sixteen days. Evil eye, stop looking*
I feel ripe, like I think I have had enough of studying that I just need to get this over with and never see these books again. The number of screen shots taking space on my tab are overwhelming and need to go. I have Microsoft documents all over the place.I have so many YouTube videos saved for future references that I never refer to( always end up googling the same thing and watching another video and saving that and continuing the cycle) I have sent myself so many mails already, the self talk needs to stop. In oda werds* (This statement has been stolen) , I need to get all of these stuff deleted! But I can’t do that until after exams in these courses.
Brethren, the matter be say, school don tire me. I feel like an eternal student. What is it that I am learning again?! One thing I’ve realised is that I’ll never really feel like I have studied enough. Not with the way my studies are run, like I have no idea what exactly I need to focus on and I have so much to focus on. Every now and then I remember something I need to brush up here and there and I keep forgetting what I’ve studied in this course and then revising and forgetting about some other course and I’m like okay, is this how you want to play? Fine, I’ll play with you, which in essence translates to, no bother,what will be will be. Won’t come and kill myself when I’ve tried my best.
I’m actually less nervous as the days approach than I was when I knew I had a month or a week still. Now its like, you’re here, lets tackle you bit by bit and we’ll see how I come out, because I will come out of this alive. Hopefully. Because brethren, I can’t afford to get sick. Doctor said it’ll be pretty bad if I should get sick again. And I’ve not been exercising like I should and 😦😦😷😷, seriously, pray for me if you like me at all.
I don’t know if after exam week life will get any easier. I really don’t know if it will be like jumping from the pot to the fry pan. I’m equally aging and feel like I need to take new responsibilities. So studies do feel difficult in more ways than one, and yet I don’t know if working will be any easier. It’s like there’s no space to breathe and be relaxed, you know. Maybe, the good thing is that there will be a change of scenario. Maybe the scenario thing is what makes all these bearable. But this is not the life I want to settle for. I don’t just want to manage but enjoy my work, my studies and my life .
So, I am counting down to the days when I can transfer my electronic notes to my laptop and to cloud storage and create space for new courses and other new things that I will hopefully be doing after this exam. I am anxious and excited at the same time, but I pray that things turn out particularly well for me. I believe I didn’t come this far to fail. So, check on me in a few weeks and see how it all went down.
A part of this feels like writing a will, only I will be present when it is read.