Happiness is finally being able to slip right back into the place you slipped out from. At a point I was tired of hearing my voice and reading my written thoughts, but hello, Leute! Ich lerne Deutsch finally. I feel a bit restrained as I mention this mostly because of the recurring thoughts I have had after watching one of dephne’s vlogs, where she mentioned that people around aren’t really that happy about your progress and sometimes you have to hush and work in secret. Fantastically, her example was my name sake, Elizabeth, the mother of John. God told her to keep herself hidden for months until it was time to reveal herself.
I am generally very enthusiastic about whatever new thing I pick up, until it wears me out. I know that I cannot possibly be fluent in a language in just one week, but some perfectionist streak in me pushes me so hard that I find myself doing things for the first few days in overdrive and this is what is currently happening. I have spent my week in front of my tab going through German A1 courses and now I am almost in B2 and it began to feel overwhelming because I had become obsessed about it. I am obsessed about it and instead of enjoying the process, I keep thinking about all the things that could happen and by this I mean things that could go wrong before I complete the courses. The house could collapse, God forbid, there might be an earthquake, war could break out and I could grow old before the end of the year, complete with grandchildren which means less time to study German . It all seems ridiculous, but these are my irrational fears and I realized it was becoming unhealthy and I needed to write about it.
I like the new quiet in my head and my minimalistic way of living. I am ploughing very slowly through John Cleese instead of rushing through it like I would get a trophy at the end for having read it so fast. I really love the book, and felt distressed at how time just kept flying past me with just a page or none read per day. I had to also take a deep breathe and tell myself that it is okay to be engrossed in other things that interest me even more currently and do things at my own pace. I am really in a different head space what with rewatched Fawlty towers episodes flashing before my eyes and making me feel like a very interesting person. A meshed German-English-Russian- Ukrainian -Ibibio girl. I am really continental. I have this undercurrent of excitement that makes me unable to sleep so much as thoughts and different ideas keep fluttering and as I realise that I could never be properly bored in my life again because there is something to always do now. There are so many things to learn and alternate paths to explore. It can only get better from now on.
With all my overwhelming feelings of all the things I need to do, I had to constantly remind myself that what I call the things I do matters a lot if I am aiming for some peace of mind. I am not living for myself, I kept reminding myself. I am living because I am an instrument to be of service to God and not a hoarder trying to get everything earthly and fleeting. I had to remind myself constantly that languages belong to God, that I will live forever, that nothing I achieve in life can be compared to what God is capable of doing for me, that even though the economy looks bleak, God is not at His wits end like us. He is my Shalom. Thinking this way frees me from anxiety about my life and the future. It frees me from minute planning of my life because it isn’t mine to plan. It isn’t even mine to start with. I own nothing but Christ. He is my rock and my strength. I must confess that this mental exercise of magnifying the Lord as I , with His help diminish my position is an on- going one. I might get it right in the morning but very easily and through out the day, little by little, I forget a little and a little more, until once again my hands find themselves frantically grabbing at the reins to ride the life-horse. This is why the Bible admonishes us to constantly renew our minds. We cannot be trusted to be consistent without maintenance.
This is why I listened to Rivers and robots as usual and looked at the videos with nature, just to be reminded about the being whose power transcends beyond my understanding and holds nations together. In this hopeful place, I realise that He directs me, orders my steps, fulfils the purpose of my life. Here, I remember that there is no constant in my life but God. He has always been there, will always be there forever even when I change, when people around me change, when I lose friends and gain friends, when I lose years and gain years, lose wealth and gain wealth, He remains my shalom. I had to write this blog post finally as a reminder to not let life get in the way.