I wondered how God feels when He sees and knows that the majority of people who are living this wonderful thing He created called ‘ life’ , do not want it. They don’t enjoy living it and how even amongst his people , the sighs and aches are enough to negate the good things they have seen about it. How do we reconcile the goodness of what has been created, it’s perfection with how badly it has turned out to be?
I opened the psalms to read and read psalm 25 four times. I read it slowly, hoping to see something in new light, to find hope, to find shelter from the looting, from Nigeria and from myself. I read the words hoping that through them, an explanation would sink in, that I would be able to go on in spite of what appears to me as too much for a God to ever handle. Psalm 25 verse 16 says; turn to me for I am lonely and afflicted. I watched Michael Ramsden speak about God and suffering, a familiar theme. Love, he says is an agent. I remember hearing or reading something about the nature of love. That it is only where it is lacking that it can be needed, so ideally, it is in a world of suffering, as this one, that we can express love. But God is a triune God and exists in loving relationship already. What does God need? Why doesn’t He suffer to experience love? These questions remained with me as I watched.
I find it off putting when people think their lives are harder than mine. Some lives might indeed be very difficult, but no one has the right to judge another persons life as less. Just because they work physically more does not in any way negate the emotional and mental troubles of other people. It’s with great restraint that I do not want to call such people names. On a daily basis, I suffer from flash backs, I remember too many things from the past that I would rather leave there but can’t. It might seem as if I am sitting down in peace but inside I am dealing with memories like a fireman, extinguishing them one after the other, and finally distracting myself with something as I cope.
I have been sad, really sad because I know that every action is a ripple effect in some way. The distance this travels and what effect it might have maybe limited, but it is there all the same .there are things too heavy to mention ,so in order to maintain ones sanity, we keep mute and block everything . This is how I feel concerning the terrible thievery by the Nigerian government. The 500 million dollar scandal is a big cause for alarm. I watched a clip of people thrown out of their houses on water and cried, because the world is just as it has always been. There is no law and order, the poor have always been trampled upon and there will never be complete redemption, or will there? For some days , I decided to watch pulse tv to laugh and to get to feel once again a country towards which my feelings and thoughts are divided. Its difficult to say what I truly feel about being Nigerian, but Nigeria cannot be wiped away from my life. I am a product of the country. But as it is always with me, after a few laughs and happiness that we are just a different set of people, interesting, gullible, wise, I became sad again, because behind all these is suffering, wasted lives, long days and hardship and it feels like a very long way to change.
I don’t know what psalm one has to read to shake off this feeling or if it is , as they say, because of these feelings that someone like me ends up drawing nearer to God for answers and to calm me, but Michael Ramsden mentioned too that it would have been a problem if Jesus had said the world would be different from what it is and if we did not see it. This is how He said the world would look like in the last days, it is all going according to plan, sadly. What we should do then is try to understand what it means for it to be this way, what we should do since it is the way it was meant to do and live.
At the end of it all, we need courage. Zadie Smith says in an interview that if we live in a society that believes in the afterlife, then life is merely just a continuation of personhood(rephrased) , but if we believe this is all there is, then life and what the individual was is incredibly important. I know that it is this daily grinding against peoples with different world views about the after life that has created so much conflict. There’s so much wrong and little to forgive, harder in fact when you believe that here is where it all ends. So much anger when a better life does not happen for you within the span of what should have been your one and only life. So, while people like me who believe in an after life and are rather lax about their hold on certain things are combating the anxiety of needing to be everything and have everything in this life, the opposite group is fueling this. Part of this is why I disappear to find rest where I can. Peace before I feel entirely hopeless.