Functionality as an annoyance

Picture drawn by me

Not very often do I sit to assist in myself in being an object of interest in a way that blows my mind off it’s path but sometime in the weeks prior to this one, I wondered out loud in the basement of my mind and all it’s belongings that I must have a pet peeve and it must be the fact that I’m on the way to having a highly functioning life. I wasn’t too surprised to replicate a good meaning gasp at this discovery, never mind my statement of this not occuring as often as it might to some people, because because…

I know I pray too often about growing and developing without thinking much about what this presupposes for me. I think about the prerequisites for another person’s life and I am one to regularly tell people the foundational basis for all their expectations,but tell me for instance, that to be good at speaking or teaching, I’ll need to practice this and for a moment I’ll be bewildered at why you would want to punish me like so. No fair mon ami 😮. But this has been a resounding message that I’ve come across in the words of my favorite preachers in the past few months (Sarah Jakes, Micheal Todd and Steven Furtick). They insist rather too regularly to allow me some comfort in my state of passivity that to expect anything, or rather, the act of expectation requires a stepping out in doing. One does not acquire any skills and protection from sitting on a couch asking for protection from a battle that has not even been initiated. You need to take up arms or at the very least be present in whatever situation.

There’s a thought I’ve had to look closely upon concerning how much I try to insist that my life must follow a certain pattern. I think they world has a model on which other generic models are being moulded from. To play it safe in this way is appealing even though sometimes I experience the sensation similar to the one which causes the making of statements such as “he/she was ready to risk it all” found in much more risque situations. What I mean here however is that I’ve wondered about how much I might be suppressing my own unique adventures because a lot of what I consider my life has not followed the pattern of other lives I see around me. I am twenty three and have stopped looking as much at similarities in other lives, but I am yet to fully embrace what comes to me. Some things are easier for me in my life, some harder. There is a tendency to want to apologize for what is easier as I look for the catch because I do not see this happening in other people’s lives. This is something I need to stop.

But of course, I still stress a lot whilst singing “if He did it before, He will do it again” . There are similarities between me and the children of Isreal who complain two seconds after a victory. I still think God favours me while wondering why He is so slow to catch up with my memo and when , if ever things will ever be as I want. I look back however to see if I have been stretched in ways that is transforming me from ‘glory to glory’ as it says in the bible. I notice sometimes that even that is too slow for me and causes me much frustration and a heavy heart. In my fantasy world, all stretching would occur without my participation. I’ve been very present in this world, never escaping beyond the limits of what is available to me in Jesus but sometimes I wish I too could escape for hours apart from sleeping when I am tired.

It is April in the end. A month I’ve been waiting for a long time. So much is happening and will happen this month and I’ve decided to allow the miracle of thankfulness be part of this month in large portions.

That’s all I have to say 😺

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